Hopeless Wanderer

its like my inner most thoughts were reflected…

An Enemy Bigger Than My Apathy

Wanderlust- a desire to travel and see the world.

I’ve been feeling that so much recently that it almost hurts, like a physical ache in my chest. A tightness when I breathe. A feeling of restlessness in my gut.

Why now? Why do I have this strong desire to be somewhere else now?

I think the answer is fairly simple: because I’m unhappy. And when I’m unhappy, I want out. I want to escape and find, well, happiness. Because I can’t seem to find it here at the moment.

(It’s funny, but just under a month ago I wrote a post about how things were looking up, and I meant it. I don’t feel that way at all right now, and I mean what I say here, too. Life is like that, I guess. Full of ups and downs. But for me, it feels like a lot more downs…)

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Swinging between Apathy and Empathy….

Is it possible , to feel two extreme emotions within short span of time… is it possible , to live with such vivid spectrum inside oneself… I don’t feel excited for things that are way more important and have great influence in my life.. and sometimes i care about trivial things …

Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with. The cure for apathy is comprehension.

JOHN DOS PASSOS, The Prospect Before Us

Maybe , its because i have burnt before , i am always scared that if i get my hopes up , i ll b disappointed. My history with things goes like this , if the beginning is bad the result is always good… but when my beginning is good , the end result is always bad.

SO now , when i have easy beginning , I am always up and above waiting for the other shoe to drop… and when I have a bad start , well, than i am basically busy trying to find solutions … henceforth , the conclusion NEVER dare to Smile …

maybe thats where the roots of my apathy feeling lies , i am becoming numb , and with people whom i care for , i try to pretend I am happy-go-lucky…

Its not my place to complain , I am really blessed with good life , looking around the world , I see how people are coping , and i see myself lucky to have safe house , and all… but my emotions refuse to believe that… and I gotta atleast confess it to myself, or else i would burn myself out…

Talking about Empathy , I really do feel for the people , I read about in books and watch their stories across news , but at the same time… when there are things circling closer to home , I turn my head other side. I shut myself , i don’t feel. Its an automatic impulse that takes place , like auto immune condition.

Sometimes , I am full of passion , other times I feel like hangover , m overwhelmed  – m poker faced … all this swings make me thing I might be having a medical condition , but than i think maybe i overthink things and make it way more intense than they actually are…

If you are reading this , you would feel totally confused as, what i am getting at??? Where does this para starts and where does it end.. talking in circle.. well i cant help myself , that s how my brain is working right now. forcing my fingers to type even more speedily than my normal pace..

Hope one day i look back at this , and would have figured out , what i was actually going through.. apathy and empathy


wordsWords does not kill,
  It is a soul slowly screaming.
Words scratching away
 At the inside of your skull,
Sharp pains
 Like beady lifeless eyes;
Puncturing you into a hiss of submission.
 The poison is taunting, behind
A familiar reflection—
 (The enemy is inside)
Scrawling out shadows
 Of a wilted realm
Something else dwells within.
If you don’t get it out,
It will slowly eat you alive.
Each day is spent dismantling
Countless thoughts-
Beauty can be a mystery,
 When you exist in ruins

Weekly Photo Challenge: Reflections ~ Your own identity ….



“You can’t see yourself. You know what you look like because of mirrors and photographs, but out there in the world, as you move among your fellow human beings, whether strangers or friends or the most intimate beloveds, your own face is invisible to you. You can see other parts of yourself, arms and legs, hands and feet, shoulders and torso, but only from the front, nothing of the back except the backs of your legs if you twist them into the right position, but not your face, never your face, and in the end – at least as far as others are concerned – your face is who you are, the essential fact of your identity. Passports do not contain pictures of hands and feet. Even you, who have lived inside your body for sixty-four years now, would probably be unable to recognize your foot in an isolated photograph of that foot, not to speak of your ear, or your elbow, or one of your eyes in close-up. All so familiar to you in the context of the whole, but utterly anonymous when taken piece by piece. We are all aliens to ourselves, and if we have any sense of who we are, it is only because we live inside the eyes of others.”

Paul AusterWinter Journal

Quotes from a novel ~ Fearless (Ruin 2.5)

You know how you read a novel , and suddenly you have much more better vision of life , the effect it has on you that not even thousand of lectures or workshops had on you , & the urge to implement it in your life…

“Words can be like X-rays if you use them properly — they’ll go through anything. You read and you’re pierced.”
― Aldous HuxleyBrave New World

So here are the quotes from this novel : Fearless by Rachel Van Dyken

“The human heart beats around one hundred thousand times a day. It pumps over two thousand gallons of blood through over sixty miles of blood vessels in any given twenty-four hour period. The physical greatness would be staggering enough, given those facts. But the emotional capacity? Words can’t explain. Doctors can’t describe why certain parts of your heart react to anger, sadness, joy, and love. Why, when you laugh, your heart laughs with you. When you cry, your heart breaks for you. But the most amazing fact of all? How easily we give our heart away even with the knowledge that in another person’s hands you are the most vulnerable you will ever be. “—Wes Michels




“A love so deep. A love so wide. A love so extravagant—that even death wouldn’t deter me from an eternity by your side. Can you imagine that type of love, Kiersten? Can you fathom it? Well, can you?”—Wes Michels




“The type of love that makes you want to laugh out loud—scream a bit—run in circles—and then repeat? Yeah that’s how I felt about Wes. Totally. Out. Of. Control. Giddiness.”—Kiersten

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“Plato believed that reasoning originated within the brain, but passion? Passion originated in what he called the fiery heart. Separate from all logic—fueled by blood, driven by passions. I for one, completely side with Plato, how else could I explain the way she made me feel? It went against logic. It went against life. Against death. It was transcendent.” —Wes Michels

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“It’s funny, we all have hearts, but do we ever truly listen to them? 

How often do we hear our hearts and stop to appreciate the fact that it’s been beating solid, strong, for our entire lives? God willing, your heart never stops until you finally die. It beats harder when you’re sick, it beats softer when you sleep, it beats harder again when you’re excited, and sometimes it physically hurts when you’re in pain.

Your heart isn’t just a muscle.

Though I’m sure people would disagree with me.

Your heart is everything. Why else would God ask for it first? I mean, why not ask for your mind? Your soul? Instead, God asks for our hearts. Our significant others ask for our hearts. Family…they ask for our hearts. Friends ask for our hearts.

It’s not just a muscle.

I truly believed that the heart stored the essence of everything a person possessed. The human body didn’t start with the brain or the legs…no…when we were conceived…the first thing doctors searched for?

The heartbeat.

When you get married…you don’t just ask for your wife’s hand. The first thing you search for? Her heart.

When you’re sick. The doctor doesn’t ask about your heart—he listens to it.

Seems to me like we’ve had it wrong all these years.

If you have a heart—I guarantee—there’s someone out there who wants it. Who’s searching for it. Who dreams about it.”

heartbeats & music


“Funny, how you think you can be totally over something. And then one tiny little thing happens and immediately you’re back to that place. I wondered if PTSD was like that.

You live your life every day, going through the motions, and then BOOM! Something suddenly happens to throw you off kilter and the only thing you want to do is go sit in a corner and rock back and forth.”




“Just because you avoid something, doesn’t make it disappear. I think we’d like to imagine life works that way. But I’m sure if I went back home…everything would be just how I left it and I’d be bombarded with the same memories, the same regrets, the giant never really dies Kiersten, not until you throw the damn rock.”




“I wonder how many times we think our lives are over—how many instances we scream at the top of our lungs when things aren’t going our way…how often, do you think, the reason for things not going our way is because there’s a bigger plan we can’t see yet? A bigger destiny we could have never possibly imagined for ourselves? Maybe…we’d be a lot happier, if we were silent more.” –Wes Michels




“Love is often measured unfairly. People throw the word around so flippantly that society rarely gets a true glimpse of what it means to love something—to love someone so much that it’s the basis for your entire existence. To love someone so much that you’d be willing to trade places—even in death. Well, I can’t imagine a stronger type of love than that of sacrifice.”




“We complete our lists together, we complete our life together. This is what we have to look forward to. Blank pages just waiting to be filled with our story. And the cool part? We don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can make a promise to you right now. Your hand’s going to be in mine the entire time. Kiersten, I swear to never let you go. Through sickness, through health, through happy times, through sad times. I’m yours.” – Wes 

…I could have lost my faith in that moment, instead I chose to believe that I couldn’t control the outcome and just trusted in the hand that was holding mine. Sometimes that’s all we have. A hand.

But most the time.

If we’re being completely honest with ourselves.

It’s all we really need…

wedding holding hands



“Our steps define us—whether they take us in the direction towards what we want the most—or away from what we love. Our entire lives are based on steps and stages. Funny thing, feet. You control them. –Kiersten Michels”




“When you hear bad news it’s like a literal punch to the stomach—no seriously, your body will create a physical response to your emotional trauma. When you’re heartbroken—you’re chest will actually hurt. Doctors believe that it’s possible to die from heartache, kind of makes you wonder the opposite right? Take for example a heart that’s so full, so alive, so vibrant, so—overjoyed, that it decides to skip a beat, pump a little bit longer, a little bit harder, a little bit…more than the way it was created to be. I think that’s my heart—No I know that’s my heart. When I see Kiersten. My heart is the opposite of broken—it’s full.”—Wes Michels




Skin. Just touching his skin, feeling his warmth, incredible how much it made me want to weep. Like, actually fall down on the ground and sob my eyes out because by touching his skin, by feeling that warmth, I knew he was alive and by knowing he was alive, I realized…being married to him? It was totally real. Funny, how sometimes we need to keep touching things so we know they’re real—even better? That I’d spend the rest of my life touching him, touching Wes Michels. And every touch would remind me, that blood flowed through his veins, that his heart beat strong, that it beat in perfect cadence with mine. —Kiersten




“The battle is in your head. The minute you start giving power to those thoughts you’ve already lost. Fear wins. Don’t let fear win, Kiersten. Love—our love—it can’t flourish where fear is present. Do you get what I’m saying?” 

More tears, and then a muffled, “No.”

Chuckling, I squeezed her harder. “This could be my last night on this earth. I could choose to be afraid and hole up in a hotel room or I could live. Remember you always have a choice. Don’t let your mind cripple what your heart already knows to be true.



Emotions are a funny thing. They drive us to either make good or bad choices, they can either make our day or ruin it. Emotions for the most part cant’ be trusted because a lot of times, they help us justify our own bad behavior. They allow us to stay mad at someone, to take offense, to keep forgiveness at bay because we’ve been hurt or are still hurting. That’s why, I can honestly say, when I look at Kiersten? It’s not my emotions speaking—but my heart. Because the heart is pure in its pursuit—whereas your emotions can cause you to stumble. Why in the hell would I want to stumble in the race towards owning every part of her soul?”—Wes

love her


“Love is beautiful. A gift from God. I think it’s sad, how easily we throw around the word without actually understanding the sacrifice behind its meaning. Love in its definition isn’t about a strong feeling towards someone, but an action. If people truly understood what it was—our world would be changed. Love is sacrifice, it’s holding someone’s hand even though you know they can’t feel it, like Gabe did with Kimmy. Love’s watching someone lose all their hair, and still finding them to be the most beautiful person you’ve ever come across. Love is more action than feeling…Love, isn’t just the way Wes looks at me, but the way he serves everyone around him as if he is nothing—and they are everything.”—Mrs. Weston Michels”

charm bracelet


“The thing about memories? They store in your brain. You can go a lifetime thinking you’re totally fine and then boom, something triggers said memory and all of a sudden you’re in the fetal position. My memory had always been really good—something I hated about myself because right now, I really, really wanted to have amnesia. —Lisa”



And ending it with my own words … you should chase your dreams , fall in love head over heels coz there is no point in loving with half heart , don’t let the world deicde your fate , and smile coz you are worth it … you deserve happiness … live life to fullest .

Weekly Photo Challenge: Object ~ Mobile Case : Collection of Favorite Novels

Mobile case Cover


It might seem like just another Mobile Case …. but not for me … Its collection of my favorite novels , I take it everywhere with me … the stories I have read are not forgotten by me …. instead now they have become a part of me no one can take …. I find my strength from the struggle of those characters… I believe in happy ending … and thats my take on this OBJECT … coz sometimes objects are more alive than anyone can think of ….

Teaser Tuesdays (Feb. 4) February 4, 2014 (Sempre Redemption)

“A taste, they called it. Everyone always wanted a taste. They claimed, as a family, that they all worked as one. They said it was a matter of respect. They said it was the honorable thing to do. ”

~ p.157, “Sempre Redemption ” by J.M Darhower

Teaser Tuesdays (Feb. 4) held by http://shouldbereading.wordpress.com/2014/02/04/teaser-tuesdays-feb-4/sempre redemption

Weekly Photo Challenge: JOY=FRIENDS


We make many friends

Some become Dearest
Some become Special
Some We Fall in Love with
Some go Abroad
Some change their cities
Some Leave us
We Leave some
Some are in contact
Some are not in contact,(n)Some don’t contact because of their ego,
We don’t contact some because of our ego
Wherever they are
However they are
We still remember, Love, Miss, Care about them because of the part they played and JOY they brought in our Lives…!!


Down the rabbit hole …..

Its interesting how sometimes what you have watched , remains in your memory , & randomly flashes in your brain …until than you didn’t realized how much more to the story was…

There was this episode I watched of Supernatural series , the episode was called My Bloody Valentine … & I never gave it much thought , the words and the plot had so much depth. It goes like this , everyone was infected with famine , & the hunger got the better of them , except for one: DEAN; the reason why he was not affected by the hunger was simple , his soul was dead inside , there was this large hole that couldn’t be filled, & emptiness was all he had, no desire , no wishes , no hunger….


falling in abyss


Its different than the feeling of contentment its like you are falling down the rabbit hole ,& you don’t have anything to hold on to, you just keep falling indefinitely & consumed by more emptiness as you fall more deeply,you lose track of time , everything around you keeps moving & you just cant make anything of it.

The light starts fading & darkness starts pulling you from every side you don’t feel desire for anything , you are getting too cold , too numb , to feel the excitement for anything, everything feels quite , but this is not the comfortable silence , no its the sign of falling into abyss….

The key to it is wake up,its not easy, you need a very strong impulse,a powerful force to pull you out, that will startle you ,and you better do it before you hit the bottom , coz once you hit it, you might recover , but never fully , the injury you will have might be too severe to ever recover completely….